My roommates are abandoning me in June. Katie is sailing off to Australia and James and Lesley are thinking of settling in the burbs. After almost a decade at the famed Hoboken Hostel, I must now find a new home. So here, I've collected a list of my perfect roommate traits to promote my perfect roommateness.

  1. Teetotaler - I will never stumble home drunk or steal your beer!
  2. Free 24-hr tech support - Asians know their computers!
  3. Free drycleaning delivery (weekends only) - Asians work at drycleaners!
  4. Will NOT tin-foil the apartment - I have to live there too!
  5. Home to sign for packages - No doorman necessary!
  6. Don't mind doing dishes!
  7. Your best friend during Oscar season - tell your friends how you've seen all the movies they've never heard of!
  8. Good pickup for your company softball team - Andy DuFresne approved!
  9. Don't need big room or plenty of sunshine - Only require enough room for a bed and desk to bask in the glow of a computer screen!
  10. Don't like confrontations or drama. I accept my failures and shortcomings, especially when it comes to horticulture!
  11. House goat - No leftovers will be wasted!
  12. Do my share of the housework, including removing HUGEASS FUCKING FROGS from apartment!
  13. Benefit from my contest winnings - Learn to like and support the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team or free Krispy Kreme doughnuts for a year!
  14. Help you meet your heroes (without actually meeting them or knowing they were your heroes)!
  15. Will let you in apartment even if you wheeled home a shopping cart because you're Swedish and didn't know better!
  16. On the quest for the ultimate chocolate chip cookie recipe and I SHARE!
  17. Comes with automatic rice cooker - More convenient than Uncle Ben!
  18. Internationally compatible - Lived with fresh-off-the-boat French surrender monkey, Irish leprechauns, an English imperialist, Swedish socialist vikings, and on special occasions, an Australian pirate (who is still on the boat)!
  19. 100% CERTIFIED GOOD SHADY!

Check back again to see what other perfect roommate qualities I have to add!