My roommates are abandoning me in June. Katie is sailing off to Australia and James and Lesley are thinking of settling in the burbs. After almost a decade at the famed Hoboken Hostel, I must now find a new home. So here, I've collected a list of my perfect roommate traits to promote my perfect roommateness.

  1. Teetotaler - I will never stumble home drunk or steal your beer!
  2. Free 24-hr tech support - Asians know their computers!
  3. Free drycleaning delivery (weekends only) - Asians work at drycleaners!
  4. Will NOT tin-foil the apartment - I have to live there too!
  5. Home to sign for packages - No doorman necessary!
  6. Don't mind doing dishes!
  7. Your best friend during Oscar season - tell your friends how you've seen all the movies they've never heard of!
  8. Good pickup for your company softball team - Andy DuFresne approved!
  9. Don't need big room or plenty of sunshine - Only require enough room for a bed and desk to bask in the glow of a computer screen!
  10. Don't like confrontations or drama. I accept my failures and shortcomings, especially when it comes to horticulture!
  11. House goat - No leftovers will be wasted!
  12. Do my share of the housework, including removing HUGEASS FUCKING FROGS from apartment!
  13. Benefit from my contest winnings - Learn to like and support the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team or free Krispy Kreme doughnuts for a year!
  14. Help you meet your heroes (without actually meeting them or knowing they were your heroes)!
  15. Will let you in apartment even if you wheeled home a shopping cart because you're Swedish and didn't know better!
  16. On the quest for the ultimate chocolate chip cookie recipe and I SHARE!
  17. Comes with automatic rice cooker - More convenient than Uncle Ben!
  18. Internationally compatible - Lived with fresh-off-the-boat French surrender monkey, Irish leprechauns, an English imperialist, Swedish socialist vikings, and on special occasions, an Australian pirate (who is still on the boat)!

Check back again to see what other perfect roommate qualities I have to add!