Playing Frogger in Hoboken

(original date of incident forgotten but article revitalized due to popular demand)

The YardYou wouldn't believe what happened last night. If you haven't caught on yet, I live in the city-state of Hoboken, which is conveniently right outside of New York City. Hoboken is urban. It's maybe just two square miles wide but every inch of it is filled with brownstone apartments, cars, and whatever's leftover is taken up by bars, lots and lots o bars. For whatever reason, I'm special so my apartment is one of the rarities that comes with a back yard, which is particularly convenient when the whole east coast experiences a blackout and you have nothing else to do besides having barbeques.

Anyway, I spent most of last night in my room diligently fixing my friend's computer because apparently I also do drop offs. Garret, my favorite Irish roommate that keeps me stocked with penguin bars and club bars, spent most of the evening in the living room. As I'm plugging away installing endless software back onto my friend's computer, Garret called me and asked me to come take a look at something for a second. I left my room to see Garret standing in the living room. Between Garret and I in the long hallway is...a HUGEASS FUCKING FROG! Garret and I stood at our respective ends of the hallway. Neither of us wanted to get near this thing. The frog was about a foot outside our other roommate James's bedroom door, sitting there just staring at the door. Garret and I just stood there laughing trying to figure out what to think of this bizarre situation. We weren't sure if this thing was real or not but the placement seems as if someone's playing a joke on James so he'd freak out when he leaves his bedroom...except James isn't even home.

Garret and I are hysterical wondering what a frog's doing in Hoboken and contemplating whether it's a real frog or not. If it were fake, who put it there? Garret was in the living room all day and I was in my room so that covered both the front and back ends of the apartment. Surely we would have seen someone come in if it were put there as a joke. I grabbed my digital camera and I snapped off some pictures to see if the flash would trigger any reactions from Mr. HUGEASS FUCKING FROG. Nothing. It didn't even blink. Now I'm thinking this thing can't be real because my camera has a 5000 Watt mega-flash used sometimes for freezing rabid dogs in their tracks. This thing didn't even flinch. I told Garret it can't be real, especially since it's humongoass. Garret didn't bite. He said it still looks too real to be fake. All the while I'm claiming it's fake, but still too scared to go pick it up. Garret started throwing newspapers and magazines near it to see if it'd move. Nothing. Not even a blink.

Fifteen minutes into this and we're both still standing at our respective ends of the hallway debating whether it's a real frog or not. Finally, I grabbed the tiki torch and decided to poke at it from a safe distance. Holy motherf*&(*#@$&#(@*$&!!! Its body was SOFT!!! I was totally expecting it to be fake and made out of stone. The head still never moved on this comatose HUGEASS FUCKING FROG but the belly/throat moved. Garret and I both jumped back 10 feet. He scrambled back into the living room and I jumped back into my room. So now both of us are peeping out of our respective rooms instead of the hallway. The frog then turned around and walked to the other side of the hall way. We both started flipping because it was the first sign of life not initiated by a tiki torch. I mean, we all saw the belly move when I poked it but who knows, it could be made out of the creepy squishy stress reliever material that Daryl the rubber chicken is made out of. Now we know this thing is real. Not to mention, what about all that frog hopping business we've all been taught? Hop it did not. The HUGEASS FUCKING FROG slithered its way like a slug to the other wall. If a HUGEASS FUCKING FROG in the apartment is not yet reason for concern, well a HUGEASS FUCKING FROG with psychological issues will surely sound the alarms. We're throwing out theories as to why there's a real HUGEASS FUCKING FROG in Hoboken and how it got in our apartment. We concluded it must have hopped in the back door since we left it open all day and it was pouring out so the frog must have wandered in.

Garret's parents are in town from Ireland. They are crashing here for the night as a stopover from their San Francisco trip so Garret gave up his bedroom to his parents. He has an appointment with the living room sofa for the evening. He said he's not going to bed with that HUGEASS FUCKING FROG sitting in the hallway. Now we're trying to figure out how to get the HUGEASS FUCKING FROG out of our apartment and back outside, preferably into our neighbor's yard, especially the one with the annoying yapping dog that never shuts up. The only problem was neither of us wanted to be the one to do the dirty work. I'm not one to freak out over silly snakes, spiders, and insects and I'm sure neither is Garret, but this is one HUGEASS FUCKING FROG. Neither of us wanted to be within hopping distance of this thing. Hell, if hes supposed to be my handsome prince...I DON'T CARE! He's getting thrown out into the yard, Prince Charming or not.

Now Garret and I are trying to figure out a way to throw him out, and more importantly, who. It's amazing in human nature that if neither of you want to do it, then BOTH of you are going to end up doing it. Such an inefficient system. Anyway, since there was a box by my end of the hallway, we decided I have to throw the box over the HUGEASS FUCKING FROG and then hold it down so he doesn't hop out because chances are, this thing is going to start freaking out. Garret's then going to come and slide a cardboard under it to close it off. We would then port it outside to set the HUGEASS FUCKING FROG free, preferably in someone else's yard. So I'm responsible for the initial attack and trying to find courage to initiate the operation. I told Garret perhaps I should pick up drinking now because I could sure use a little help losing my inhibitions right now (my roommates are all Irish and they're always trying to get me to drink). I took a deep breath, ran up to it, and slammed the box over the HUGEASS FUCKING FROG in one quick motion. I then waited for Garret with the cardboard. Amazingly, no flippage coming from the frog. I tilt the box a little bit to let Garret put the cardboard under. As he almost finished sliding the cardboard to my end, the HUGEASS FUCKING FROG started squealing and spazzing out. He was definitely at my end of the box and jumping right under where my hand was keeping the box down. Now I'm starting to freak out from the pounding of the HUGEASS FUCKING FROG under my hand. Garret and I ran outside with our makeshift trap and agreed to simultaneously release the HUGEASS FUCKING FROG from the box on the count of three, like a well-rehearsed scene of activating a national defense system. One...two....THREE!!! We both instinctively just let go of the box and run for our lives in the name of national security. We asked each other if we saw the HUGEASS FUCKING FROG come out of the box. Of course we didn't, but we weren't about to go back near the box. Besides, it was raining so we just left the box outside and went back in. Garret's mom, who's been witnessing this whole ordeal from the safe perch of the stairs, commended the two of us for our ingenuity, bravery, and camaraderie.

Garret went to bed a little more at ease knowing he won't be attacked by a frog. I went to bed a little less at ease wondering why is there a HUGEASS FUCKING FROG in Hoboken.

Hugeass Fucking Frog
Notice size of HUGEASS FUCKING FROG relative to newspaper